This question has reverberated in my head after reading it, much like how a gong vibrates after being struck. What am I looking for?
Today is as good a day to ponder this as any other.
Back when I was younger, I didn't want much. I just wanted to be accepted. In seventh grade, most of my friends and I drifted apart; they were interested in getting their legs waxed and fancy clothing, while I dressed to reflect the way I felt -- ugly - and immersed myself in music.
Now I realize that one my biggest problems is that my happiness is directly correlated to the actions of others. It always has been. My family's problems were my secret burden, which forced me to grow up long before I should have. In my old relationships, I looked to the other person for my own self-worth. Even today, some of these old tendencies still remain.
So what am I looking for? Acceptance. Acceptance of myself, by myself. I want to be happy and proud of who I am. What do I need to attain this?
…Where to start?
I want to do the best I can in the land of academia, which unfortunately is something static. It's not something I can work on, overcome, and be done with. I suppose once I figure out the appropriate balance between academics and everything else, I'll be fine.
This brings me to my next point. I'm a perfectionist, to the point where I don't try at something because I know that there is a possibility that I may fail, or avoid tasks that appear too terribly daunting. At the same time, I still always manage to be involved in fifty things at once, and become acutely stressed because of it. I need to stop being so afraid.
I need to learn how to manage my time. Juggling as many things I do would be a whole lot easier if I didn't waste so much of my time doing nothing.
I need to accept my body, which will require me to change my habits. Truthfully, I'd love it if I was underweight and gaunt, but I'd be happy with a trimmer figure too. I also need to stop viewing beauty as being equivalent to a size zero, because I'm probably never going to be that form of it - and knowing this is an excuse to not do what I should be doing, which is exercising.
I want to surround myself with more people that I truly admire. Sometimes I feel like some of my friends are incapable of understanding certain things about me, and this is hard, because I want to share things with them. I value intellect and those who make a conscious effort to form their own opinions rather than regurgitating others'. At times, it feels like those qualities are such rarities I may never find any more people with them.
As cliché as it is, I want to make an impact. The feeling of being one person in a huge world can seem quite disheartening sometimes: how can I make a difference if I'm merely a breath in the wind?
I want to get married. I abhor the thought of dying alone.
I want to have the ability to live independently, and at the same time consciously choose not to.
I have to stop making my own happiness contingent on other's actions.
I want to learn how to dance, I want to have a copious amount of moments, the kind of memories that make the larger things matter.
I want to live a full life, so that if I die tomorrow no one can say I hadn't really started living. Because life doesn't really start when you graduate grade school or college, hold your first real job or become financially independent. It's happening right now, all around us. Time is befalling constantly and rapidly.